Life is magical and shit at the same time

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Before I even start, please forgive my derogatory language in this post. I woke up feeling like shit.

Life can be fucking hard. Especially as a mid-twenties male in a third world country with no inherited wealth. Should you focus on the money? The women? Living your best life? After all, these are your prime years, you will never get them back.

I chose to follow the money after trying the other two options. It’s been a rough past few years. The grind is lonely and often misunderstood. Most people believe you are succeeding while you are also experiencing the worst of your lows. As a result of this, you start becoming more and more distant from your old friends. When it comes to women, you barely bother because like everyone else, they believe you are winning. You are not sure you if they want you for you or you for your “money” (that which they think you have). Trust issues begin to surface, less and less people talk to you since you’re almost always grinding while they party.

In moments like this, I am alone in the dark, blurting out to the entire internet my problems. Truth be told, I know no one gives a shit. Oh, poor you! At least you have something going, quit whining! I know… At this point I probably sound like I’ve got some type of split personality disorder.

Anyway, where does love come from? I wrote about this in my book, How to Flirt. This book was written when my focus was primarily women and I made a science out of it (getting women) to get repeatable results. The problem with this approach is that while you can end up with whoever you want, it is primarily done through psychological manipulation. They will fall for you; love you even but you won’t love them the same way you would have if you had just let nature take its course. It feels like the genie situation where you wish for something but forget the consequences of your wish. Imagine wishing to be loved and getting someone insanely in love with you but in exchange, you don’t feel love for the person falling for you. What’s the point?

I can’t see them coming down my eyes, so I’ve got to make the song cry. That’s what I was listening to as I wrote this. The lyrics resonate with me. I spend an uncomfortable amount of time quite sad on the inside but it never shows. Laughter, smiles and a million phone calls later, I trick myself into holding it together.

Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like pulling the plug and saying fuck it to this game. Not today though. Not today.

Despite all these, life is a game and a fun one too. This thought dump has helped release all the internal qualms. Life is magical. Now, here we fucking go! Let’s make magic together. Let’s get it!

Broken dreams

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I thought it would be perfect. How naive of me. Things change, they change fast. In the end it’s all about compromise. How much can you tolerate; how much can you stand. Everyone has their flaws, so do I. Even so, while it lasted, it was absolute bliss. Perhaps if communication were better we wouldn’t be here, and I wouldn’t be writing. That’s the thing about life though, you never know where it leads you. Sometimes the one you love the most cannot see it and by the time they come to the realization, you are gone. Gone and broken. They can’t fix you and sorry doesn’t change anything.

Sorry doesn’t take away the pain.

I knew this going in. The moment I get attached I’m f*cked. Aren’t we all? Because when the waves come tumbling down, you’re on your own. They never see the struggles you go through day to day. You never see theirs. Adulting is essentially people with issues smiling and laughing with each other while they battle their own demons. Sadly, you never really could get into anyone’s shoes.

Empathy is a skill, but absolute selfless empathy is a myth.

There are a lot of things I would rather be doing right now, but the internet is my canvas and my heart bleeds to paint on it.

Jealousy. Too much is toxic, too little is indifference. Being a Libra, I am supposedly supposed to be the living embodiment of balance. Truth be told, I try; not hard enough it would seem.

I long for the day I find someone who embraces my flaws. Someone I care for just as much as they do for me. Someone that is proud to acknowledge me as theirs. Someone I can introduce to my parents and family. Maybe I have met her, but I really don’t know what to make of the current situation. I break hearts to be with her, she never knows; I don’t know if she would do the same for me.

We want freedom but we don’t want the responsibility that comes with it. When you are young, you wish to become an adult and have your freedom. The moment you achieve it, you are bombarded with bills and responsibility. Then you wish to go back to when your freedom was limited but you had minimal responsibility. We humans are hypocritical creatures. We want to be loved but we don’t want the burden of being potentially hurt. We want wealth but don’t want the responsibility it comes with. Every good comes with its bad.

Perhaps a prayer would help

Dear universe, it has been a while since we talked. I sincerely want to thank you for everything you have brought my way. The pain, the pleasure, the heartbreak and broken trust. Everything you brought my way has been a lesson. When I was happy, you showed me grief and utter depression to teach me how to appreciate the joy. When I was grieving, you brought happiness to teach me that there is hope. When I thought I was done dealing with people I loved, you pushed me to give them a chance. I used to hate you but now I see that you have always had my back. Sincerely, thank you.

Another chapter

I’m moving into a phase in my life that distances me from people even more. I try to keep contact with her as much as I can. Recently I’ve been finding myself holding back from talking to her. We don’t talk as much these days. I could blame her but what good will that do me? They say when your texts with her get shorter, they get longer with someone else. If that’s the case then I’d be damned. I really would like to give this a shot. One broken soul to another but there’s really not much I can do. Everything is becoming a blame game. Perhaps we need to feel loss to appreciate what we have. After all, we humans learn from pain.

So here I am, chasing the pain

I’ve been trying to drown my sorrows in drinks and getting high. I did get what I want, but it feels like it is slipping away. Maybe one day I will finally get what I want. Then I’ll stop writing here. I hope things work out; but for now, I’m going to trust the universe…

 

 

Why do we cheat? Why we suck as humans #01

Posted on by under Biography, Life, Rants

Sometimes it is hard to stay loyal because it means someone has to get hurt. We put ourselves in situations where we have to choose one person over another. On the surface, it appears as though it is a tough decision to choose one over the other. Everyone has their strengths and their flaws. However, choosing a single person usually turns out to be the better choice because it’s either some people get hurt or multiple people get hurt. You won’t be able to maintain a good relationship with everyone. Doing so is detrimental to not only you but every other individual involved. We fear hurting others, but it is the universe’s way of punishing us for putting ourselves in that situation in the first place.  I guess it does take some level of empathy to feel this way.

Empathy… I’ve been trying to learn it for the last couple of months.

Once I knew less than I did now. A young adult male craving love and affection, I attracted multiple potential suitors. None better than the other in all regards. Some had the looks but lacked in personality and vice versa. Eventually, one needed closure. What were we? So on one particular night, as I was intoxicated; she charmed me into defining the relationship. Quite frankly, it was impressively manipulative. I barely fall for explicit manipulation, but in this case, she got me. And she got me good.

Everything was pure bliss when we began. Same music taste, same humor. Happiness. Laughter. Smiles. At least when it came to our relationship. But the relationship came at a cost. For that, I had to severely break another’s fragile heart. I had led her on… Months on end. I liked her energy. She was average in terms of appearance but she was possibly the most beautiful soul I had ever met. She did everything right. Long messages, just how I liked them. Openly admitting her feelings. Being vulnerable. We’d call and text, a lot… I couldn’t really blame her for falling that deep. Heck, I was also feeling some type of way about her, much as I’d hate to admit it. Then I threw it all away for a pretty face faking happiness and love. I made her cry and curse her own existence. I made her contemplate taking her own life… I was a horrible person. The regret I feel to-date is insurmountable. If you ever read this, you know yourself. I am very sorry, and I know the words don’t mean much but if I could go back I would have given you a shot.

Thank you for showing me your true self. I truly am grateful. I hope she is happier wherever she is

The reason people cheat

We all crave affection. Usually we won’t get everything we want from one person and as such we may end up seeking what we lack in one in another. That’s the obvious part.
The real reason why we cheat is probably to diversify our risk. Figuratively speaking; to avoid putting all our eggs in one basket. This feeling is often experienced by those who have been broken before. We know how it hurts and we wish to never experience it again. Which is why we decide that if we at least have multiple people on our radar, then even if you were hurt, it wouldn’t hurt as much since you’d always have a backup plan.

This never works. Eventually things catch up with you. No, I don’t mean getting caught cheating. Besides, it is not the wars we have with our partners that matter, but rather the ones we have within ourselves.

Eventually, it dawns on you just how f*cked you are emotionally. You kept giving away small bits of your heart to so many people that you have nothing left to have any significant emotional connection with anyone. It sucks, really. The emptiness, the depression that comes with it. Some nights I find myself tearing up, not because I have been wronged but because of the people I hurt. Not through cheating but through neglect and the insensitivity I had to their genuinely good intentions for me.

What we can do about it

Make a choice, take a leap of faith. Entrust one with the ability to hurt us. If we are right, it will easily overshadow all the multiple partners in the world. Do they make us happy? Are they themselves? Can you tolerate their worsts? If the answer is yes to all these or maybe yes, then perhaps it is worth giving it a shot. I have many regrets that I wish to absolve. The past can’t be changed though, so the only way is forward.

Sometimes I wish I could go back. But going back means to stop growing. And going back means not meeting other people. I found one. This is my last try…

23 in retrospect

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23 is gone, 24 is here

I’ve learnt a lot in this past year. When I think about it, I see all the things I could have done differently, but then again, everything is a learning experience. I loved and lost, felt total despair and experienced absolute bliss. All in all there have been a lot of ups and downs this past year.

Love, going forward

When I love, I love fully and deeply. I recently cared about someone deeply and vowed to myself that I’d stick by their side ’till the end. The fact that you are reading this is a testimony that it didn’t work out. Not that there were any issues whatsoever. Life is strange and people owe you nothing and I have continuously been reminded of that fact. When my last encounter ended, a part of me died. In hindsight, I’ve come to learn that you are the most important person in your life. You are the only constant. Take care of yourself first and everything else should be secondary.

I really wish things could have worked out before I turned 24. You see, I’m someone who would prefer to settle younger because I believe you get time to intimately understand your partner and see them grow. You grow together, you understand each other’s behavior. Another reason is because I believe when you eventually achieve some degree of success, it gets harder to find a legitimate partner. I know I will achieve a lot and I’d prefer to settle down with someone I love before that happens. If only she, whoever she is could show up… Everything else is noise.

Does everything happen for a reason?

This phrase gets thrown around quite a lot. The irony of it all is that when things are good, we say everything happens for a reason but when the opposite happens, we resent everything. I speak for myself. Why does it have to be so difficult to find someone willing to go the extra mile? Am I in the wrong place?

Work

On another note, this has been a decent year for me in terms of work. I have had some challenging and interesting projects throughout the year. Haven’t achieved the financial goals I had set, but I really do feel like I have done a lot.